Grandparents need parenting courses too

In short

Grandparenthood is treated as if it arrives automatically with age. It does not. Loving a grandchild and knowing how to support the child’s parents are different skills. A useful grandparents’ course would cover modern safety guidance, emotional boundaries, practical care, how to follow the parents’ choices, and how to be genuinely available without taking over.

This is not an argument against an entire generation. It is an argument for taking the role seriously.

Parenthood has changed. Grandparenthood has not caught up

The present generation of parents is doing something unusually visible: examining itself.

Parents read about attachment, nervous systems, consent, emotional regulation and conscious parenting. They ask which parts of their childhood they want to keep and which they do not want to pass on. They compare methods. They talk openly about pain that previous generations often kept private. They apologise to their children. They try again.

Not every method works for every family. Self-analysis can become exhausting, and no parent can turn every difficult moment into perfect emotional wisdom. But the attempt matters. Many parents are trying to replace “this is how it was done” with a better question: “What does this child need?”

Grandparenthood, meanwhile, is still often treated as a ceremonial title. A baby arrives, a new name is bestowed — Oma, Opa, Baba, Dядо, Grandma, Grandpa — and everybody assumes the knowledge will arrive with it.

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it very clearly does not.

Some adults were not the primary carers the first time

There is an uncomfortable family truth worth naming carefully. In many families, the grandparents of today had substantial help raising their own children. Their parents, neighbours or extended family carried a large share of daily care. In other families, one parent — usually the mother — did almost everything, while the other remained at the edge of childhood.

Years later, age alone can turn those adults into “experienced grandparents” in the family story. But a title does not create experience that was never practised.

This may show up as avoiding the baby when the work becomes difficult, disappearing when somebody is ill, ignoring routines, expecting to be entertained as a guest, or giving confident instructions without offering practical help. It can look like a lack of common sense around children, but often it is a lack of familiarity, responsibility and willingness to learn.

The point is not to expose or humiliate anyone. The point is to stop pretending that every older adult arrives fully trained.

Love is not the same as usefulness

A grandparent can love a child deeply and still make the parents’ lives harder.

They may arrive at bedtime and excite the child, then leave before the difficult settling begins. They may question feeding, sleep or discipline choices in front of the child. They may offer advice when the parent needs food, laundry, a quiet hour or somebody dependable enough to follow instructions. They may interpret a boundary as rejection, rather than as information about how this family works.

Useful support is less glamorous. It means learning the routine. It means asking what would help and accepting the answer. It means changing a nappy, washing dishes, taking the older child outside, remembering an allergy, and not requiring praise for every task.

Most importantly, it means understanding that grandparents are part of the support system. They are not the directors of it.

Why courses could help

We prepare for many roles that carry less emotional responsibility. We take driving lessons, workplace training and first-aid courses. Yet becoming closely involved in the life of a small child is expected to run on instinct and memory.

A course for grandparents should not be patronising, and it should not be a long list of everything the older generation did wrong. It should be practical, warm and current. It could cover:

• infant and child safety guidance that has changed since their own children were small;
• first aid and what to do in an emergency;
• feeding, sleep and daily routines as decided by the parents;
• emotional regulation and why shame, threats and forced affection are not harmless shortcuts;
• consent, including why a child does not owe anyone a hug or kiss;
• how to help after birth without turning the home into a place for visitors;
• how to disagree privately and respectfully;
• how to recognise when advice is unwanted;
• digital privacy and asking before posting a child’s photograph;
• the difference between offering support and claiming access;
• how to repair a relationship after getting something wrong.

The best version would include the parents too. Each family could make its expectations visible before resentment builds around them.

“We raised you and you survived” is not enough

Survival is a very low standard for family life.

Knowledge changes. Car seats change. Safe sleep guidance changes. We know more about smoking, choking, emotional development, allergies, neurodiversity and the effects of humiliation. A grandparent does not lose dignity by learning something new. Quite the opposite: adapting is one of the clearest forms of care.

Experience remains valuable. Older people may bring patience, memory, practical resourcefulness and a longer view of ordinary childhood crises. But experience becomes wisdom only when it stays curious. When it refuses all new information, it becomes habit wearing the clothes of authority.

The current generation is not perfect either

Conscious parenting can become another impossible standard. Parents can analyse every sentence, buy every book and still shout when they are exhausted. They can confuse endless negotiation with respect, or become so afraid of repeating the past that they lose confidence in ordinary boundaries.

There is no single correct philosophy that works in every home. Children have different temperaments. Parents have different capacities. Families live under different pressures.

What feels revolutionary is not perfection. It is the willingness to question, notice and repair.

That same invitation should be open to grandparents. They do not need to imitate younger parents in everything. They do need to take the younger family seriously.

What good grandparenting can look like

A good grandparent does not have to be permanently available, endlessly energetic or financially generous. Grandparents have their own health, work, relationships and limits. Clear limits are better than reluctant promises.

Reliability matters more than performance. Good grandparenting can be:

• one regular afternoon that the parents can truly depend on;
• a meal left at the door without expecting a visit;
• learning exactly how the car seat works;
• listening to a parent’s decision without turning it into a referendum on the past;
• building a relationship with the child that does not compete with the parents;
• saying, “I did not know that then, but I know it now”;
• asking, “Do you want advice, practical help, or just somebody to listen?”

These are learnable acts. That is precisely why preparation makes sense.

A course is also an act of respect

Calling for grandparents’ courses is not saying older people are incapable. It is saying the role is important enough to prepare for.

It also offers a kinder alternative to the silent family test. Too often, grandparents are expected to guess the new rules, parents wait to see whether they will fail, and everybody collects evidence instead of speaking clearly. A course creates shared language before a vulnerable moment: the first weeks after birth, the first time babysitting, the first conflict about boundaries.

The aim is not to make grandparents obedient. It is to help three generations cooperate without asking the newest and smallest person to absorb the tension.

The invitation

The grandparents who already ask questions, take responsibility and respect boundaries may be the first to sign up. The ones who insist they have nothing to learn may be the ones who need it most.

Still, the invitation should remain open rather than accusatory:

Your experience matters. The world has changed. This child is not your second chance to parent, and the parents are not children under your authority. You have a new role — one that can become generous, close and irreplaceable.

Come and learn how to do it well.